What a testimony! From Encouragement from Today
November 17, 2009
Stained and Ruined
“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5 (NIV)
Devotion:
Looking back, it seems like I’m viewing the story of another person. I hardly recognize the little girl I became in that dark moment.
I was walking home from the bus stop. The walk took about ten minutes unless I stopped to talk to a friend or neighbor, which I usually did. Mr. Parks, a retired man, was sitting in his driveway waving to all the kids walking by. He was so friendly. On this particular day, he invited me into his garage. He said he had some candy to give me. I walked in that garage an innocent trusting little girl. I walked out scarred for life.
Mr. Parks sexually violated me. I didn’t understand what was going on. I didn’t know what to do. He became someone else; I didn’t recognize the man he changed into once that garage door was closed. He did things to me and made me do things to him that I never imagined existed. I was absolutely terrified. When he was done, he said, “Come back tomorrow.” And I did.
The experience of being sexually abused left me devastated, feeling stained and ruined. In my mind, what I had done was so bad, I couldn’t tell anyone. And because it happened more than once, I felt like it really was my choice; my fault. That’s what he told me. I felt dirty and I was filled with shame. Shame is a joy stealer and my joy was gone.
Over the years I perfected the art of wearing masks. On the outside, I looked great. However, on the inside I felt completely unworthy of any good thing. When I experienced success, I would usually sabotage myself or quit. I apologized for being good at something and downplayed my God-given strengths.
It must break God’s heart when we allow shame to steal our sense of worth. Jesus gave His life to prove how valuable we are. We were created to walk in God’s confidence, not our own.
Our key verse tells us “By his wounds, we are healed.” Jesus became stained and ruined on our behalf. We don’t have to live in fear or condemnation over anything that has taken place in our lives, whether it was our fault or not.
When I accepted Christ as my Savior, I also accepted freedom from my past hauntings. Still, I have to remind myself of this every day. My thoughts must center on Jesus or they can easily slip back to the darkness of that garage. Yes, even 35 years later, I still have flashbacks of what happened to me. That’s when I look up to heaven and say, “By Your wounds I am healed. Thank You, Jesus. I am not stained and ruined. I am clean, pure, and precious. Mr. Parks has no hold on me anymore.”
My final triumph in this horrific ordeal was the most difficult: forgiveness. I claim forgiveness for my sins everyday through Jesus. In doing that, I am faced with the fact that I’m called to forgive. “Mr. Parks, I forgive you. I know you must have been very sick and your heart was stained with sin. I hope and pray you accepted Jesus before you died. What you did to me was the worst thing anyone could do to a little girl. I want to hate you. Instead, I choose to hate what you did, but forgive you.” I can only do this with Jesus at my side. I’m not capable any other way.
No longer do I believe I am stained and ruined. I am clean. I am worthy. Jesus has set me free. “By his wounds, we are healed.” I believe that. I hope you do too!
For more on becoming free in Christ, visit here.
Dear Lord, I need You every day of my life. Please remind me that I am worthy and delete the lies that haunt me. Help me live to the fullest for You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Time to take a step back,
Today, I was just having some quiet time to myself, and i realize that i was walking in circles and i had no path. I was in the wilderness, I really need to take a step back and ask God what he wants me to do. I don’t want to walk aimlessly, I want to walk on the path of life! in order for anyone to move on, you need to know where you fall and acknowledge what you are doing wrong.
right now i need to pray to God and ask him for guidance! I don’t know what i want to be still! i don’t know what major to choose and i don’t know what to do in my life. But i’m going to ponder on what the meaning of my life is. Time to take a step back and walk forward in Christ!
this song is on repeat for me!!! i’m going to learn how to sing and rap this song, hopefully!
A Biking Adventure
This pass Saturday after church, me and a couple of my friends, brother and sisters at church decided to go for a ride. We decided to go biking which i haven’t done since I was like 12 years old. However, I did bike in Santa Monica beach last time I went to LA March 2009, and it didn’t hurt. So this time, I was riding on a mountain bike which happens to be my friend’s bike. His bike didn’t have any gears so I had to bike in the same gear the whole time. The others had gears. It was exhausted. I was the slowest because it hurted so bad. You know the seat in the bike, yea that thing, it hurts so bad that my whole bottom is sore and in pain. When i pee, it stinks so bad too. omgosh. i never had to go through this kind of crucial pain. the part that hurted was actually my whole pussy. all you girls that bike out there knows what i’m talking about. I tried standing while i was biking but I almost fell off the bike. So it wasn’t a good idea. Now I’m in so much pain. ahhhh!!!
I mean, I love biking but man, i need get a lot of cushion on that seating pad.
BTW, We biked for 7 miles!! I’m pretty proud of myself. ;-)
complete
sometimes i feel like i’m empty, but for some reason when i started to listen to Christian music and clean up my room today; i feel whole again.
